I thought before I had had my heart broken.
Now I see that this is it. It hurts so much. All I ever do is cry and tell myself lies. My mind is playing tricks and making me paranoid. My decision making has deteriorated, making me a complete idiot. I just want things to go back to normal. I hate to be one of those people, but I honestly don’t remember how to be single. I spent almost 2 years of my life with someone, revolved my whole life around them—now they’re gone. Gone. In a few moments they just left and now I have nothing.
Of course I have a lot. I’m so thankful, but for some reason I feel completely empty. I feel like I have no purpose, or that I will never find anyone that will love me like he did. Even though I know that is all false, it still lingers. I just want the good back. I don’t want him to move on with someone else. I’m horrified of that. That is really the only thing that is keeping me this way. Just the idea that he could already be falling in love with someone stings and makes me want to go back to the horrible things I did to myself to feel again.. I don’t want that, but I don’t want any of this either.
And then every day I just embarrass myself by crying when people mention it. I’m a complete mess. Then a friend gets mad at me and now I feel truly alone.
I keep thinking if I just work out and work I will feel better—but I don’t. Nothing works. Even therapy feels useless. I just want to move on, but it feels as if I am preventing myself from it. I don’t want to ask for help, but I really need it. Then again, what can any one do for me that they aren’t already doing? I’m just being an idiot. Everyone has been great, and I’ve been awful. I’m ashamed and I’m sorry.